It’s been round a yr since I first performed Signalis, and a yr because it wormed into my mind. Irrespective of how a lot I give it some thought, watch video essays about it, or replay it, one thing lingers.

Unraveling its secrets and techniques, attending to the center of what Signalis is making an attempt to do or say haunts me nearly a yr later. There are few video games prefer it — Signalis hammers in its sense of hopelessness and rips my coronary heart out with each playthrough. Every little thing about it feels oppressive and dire, however in a method that’s arduous to maneuver on from. I’ve launched into Elster’s journey many times, hoping for a greater finish, working this treadmill of maddening unhappiness. But it surely’s simpler to return right here than transfer on.

So why is it that, in a yr of titans like Baldur’s Gate 3, Zelda, and Armored Core, I’m nonetheless going again right here? Signalis’s perpetual chokehold might be finest defined by its marriage of distress and love, a union of survival horror and sapphic works I lengthy for.

A lot of Signalis feels acquainted, too. It performs like an amalgamation of traditional survivor horror titles, taking the stock administration and save rooms from Resident Evil and mixing sensible puzzles with ones working on dream logic like Silent Hill. That, alongside its lo-fi polygonal artwork type, resembles survival horror titles from the PS1 period whereas protecting precise comparisons scant sufficient to face by itself.

Whereas Signalis’s gameplay loop is stable, its story and themes are its beating coronary heart and soul. Devotion, particularly, performs a continuing position, and it’s one which by no means pays off for its characters. Signalis is tragic — unabashedly bleak as it’s sapphic. Its conclusions vary from soul-crushing to easily devastating, however none of it issues as a result of the occasions repeat themselves.

Nevertheless arduous Elster tries to interrupt the hell she and Ariane live, all the things restarts, they usually stay in perpetual distress. The cycle of tragedy borders on comical, however identical to the cyclical nature of their doom, I preserve going again right here even after I know higher. Even a yr later.

It’s that tragic, longing embrace that makes repeating Signalis price it. One other comes earlier, from one among its first-person segments, as Ariane takes a lonely practice trip. Her distance from the participant, blended with the dim lighting and haunting music, creates a deeply private but indifferent scene. No one speaks right here, nothing urges you ahead, Signalis permits gamers to linger as a lot as they need.

It’s profoundly lonely. Each time I play Signalis, I cease on this scene and sit for a couple of minutes, merely taking in one of many few moments Elster sees Ariane. That feeling snowballs its ache into one thing worse as Ariane vanishes and Elster travels alone inside another person’s reminiscence

Gameplay takes benefit of this want for intimacy, implying the picture Elster finds is in some way vital for exploration. It sits in her stock, taking on a restricted slot, however by no means comes into play. There’s no tangible worth in holding onto to that picture, however it’s unattainable to flee what drives Elster ahead with out really going anyplace. Dropping it off is inspired, however it’s arduous to let go of one thing seemingly so vital.

It additionally all the time ends with one or each members of its couple dying. It’s simple to dismiss these moments as one other occasion of bury your gays, however Signalis is extra taken with explaining what drives their perpetual resilience. It doesn’t want fairytale endings; there’s consolation within the familiarity of its cycle.

The “Artifact” ending is the closest to a contented ending, and it is perhaps one. My favourite interpretation is that Ariane ascends to godhood with Elster at her facet, they usually discover closure. It is also, in probably the most literal interpretation,  Ariane and Elster coming to phrases with slowly dying in a failing ship. No matter your takeaway on these occasions are, resetting is all the time an choice. Any solutions Elster finds in an ending now not exist as quickly as a brand new playthrough begins.

But, regardless of no matter bleakness is current throughout the occasions, the intimate moments preserve Signalis from turning into emotionally chilly. Moments like Ariane and Elster sharing a kiss earlier than dancing to them holding one another present that irrespective of what number of occasions they relive this hell, their love for one another by no means fades.

It’s not as if the intimate moments and heart-breaking moments are unique to one another both. As unhappy because the “Reminiscence” ending is, Elster mendacity subsequent to Ariane as she dies is surprisingly heat. Ariane strokes Elster’s hair as she rests earlier than passing away and repeating the cycle as soon as extra. 

Elster repeating the occasions complicates the concept of loss of life as a result of whereas the dearth of a real finish provides to its bleakness, it means she will be able to attempt once more. Reasonably than totally bury its gays, Signalis repeatedly raises them to attempt once more as long as their love by no means fades.

Signalis stands by itself as a horror expertise whose inspirations are noticeable, but its id stays its personal, not simply inside survival horror but in addition within the broader scope of queer gaming. Certain, it’s one other story of doomed lesbians, however it’s additionally an amazingly earnest depiction of affection.

As a result of nearly nothing is defined, we expertise Elster’s uncooked feelings, or at the least that’s what I take away. After mulling over my emotions for thus lengthy, the closest I discover to a coherent is that there’s little function in understanding what the in-universe fact is behind all the things occurring.

To some deep and inexplicable diploma, I really feel linked with Ariane and Elster’s wrestle to seek out an finish to their ache — it’s simply as a lot my expertise as a queer lady. To additionally see the second they’re happiest hurts nearly as a lot as their struggling as a result of the context of our pleasure is commonly rooted in tragedy and distant reminiscence.

My closure is within the emotional response, Signalis’s tortured push and pull on reliving your ache. That’s the very best I can take away from a sport that retains me anchored in its world. A sport that, even a yr later, provides me nothing greater than a promise to harm. That fixed draw is as unexplainable as my feelings in the direction of it, and all I can hope is for Ariane and Elster to finally escape of their hell.